Train Conductor Uses Detective Work to Bust Fare-Evading Passenger

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
May 29, 2021 11:00 AM EDT

Train travel can be surprisingly expensive - sometimes it costs more than a flight. We're looking at you, Amtrak. On a recent rail trip to Edinburgh, Scotland, comedian Ignacio Lopez witnessed a fellow passenger attempt to lie his way out of paying the proper fare. Unfortunately for the cheapskate, the train conductor (train guard if you're fluent in Brit-speak) was a hell of a lot smarter than expected. 

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  • 01
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour. When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn't a maths test, you don't need to know the distance/ speed). 12:45 · 11/01/2020 · Twitter for iPhone
    via @comedylopez

    Lopez's story begins innocently enough. He describes a fellow passenger who is really good at sleeping on trains - a skill that has long escaped me and fills my heart with passionate envy. 

  • 02
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Replying to @comedylopez Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy. "Can I see your ticket, please?" "Oh, I need to buy a ticket" "Where you going, pal?" The guy glances at his phone. "Edinburgh" "Where did you get on?" 2711 383 4 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h I can see the cogs working in this guy's head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was. "Carlisle" The train guard sits down next t
    via @comedylopez

    Our slumbering angel was awoken by the "train guard," who asked for his ticket. The sleeper explained that he had to buy one, and that he had gotten on the train at Carlisle. Train guard did not buy this. 

  • 03
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time. I feel like l'm watching Pacino & De Niro face off in 'Heat. 01 27 11 524
    via @comedylopez
  • 04
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I got on in Carlisle" The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy. "This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago." 01 2712 467
    via @comedylopez

    B-b-b-busted. The conductor grabbed the receipt from the dude's table and pointed out that it was issued over an hour ago. Interesting. 

  • 05
    Face - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez ·3h RED TABLE TALK EA/OO0000W! GIF 275 403
    via @comedylopez

    Things really unravel from there.

  • 06
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence. Wasn't this supposed to be made available to the defence team? I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy's forehead. "That's not mine" (Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial) Q2 279 545 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h ATPTENNISTV YORKU ola UNIVERSITE UNIVERSIEY S.com GIF 91 277 332
    via @comedylopez
  • 07
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "This receipt is for a sandwich, you've got crumbs all over you." He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum! one GIF LOCKSPEARE 2718 831
    via @comedylopez
  • 08
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez 3h "That's not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle" Damn. He's denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging? "Carlisle to Edinburgh, that's £27. Cash or card?" 2712 421 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h He's... he's got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him. The guy pulls out his wallet & slides over his debit card. There's a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum credit
    via @comedylopez
  • 09
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Oh well, I guess he's evaded justice this time. GIF Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown. 277 356 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez ·3h Wait... The train guard is looking at the card very closely. The guy appears confused. Q2 277 384
    via @comedylopez
  • 10
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Maintaining eye contact with the perp, the train guard puts the card down next to the receipt. "This is the same card used to buy the sandwich, sir." The guy's eyes are darting back and forth from the guard to the card. "No.... what?" O 1,006 27 20 8 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF 276 442
    via @comedylopez
  • 11
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez ·3h "The last four digits are printed on the receipt" 278 486 2 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h Sweet Falk! He's got him! GIF 27 12 876
    via @comedylopez
  • 12
    Text - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy's shoulders slump. No response. Completely dumbfounded. "... and I'm sure if I checked the camera footage we'd see you getting on earlier and buying that sandwich". 279 511 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h "I fell asleep. I was a bit spaced out" "No problem, sir. Where did you get on" "Wigan" "That'll be £71, please, sir" 27 16 936
    via @comedylopez
  • 13
    Sky - Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h GIF 277 588 Ignacio Lopez @comedylopez · 3h The guy didn't sleep again after that. He spent the rest of the journey staring down at that receipt. I mean, the real crime here is the price of rail travel but, wow. What a trip. Q 28 2767 2,950
    via @comedylopez

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twitter story ignacio lopez train travel Twitter Thread edinburgh cheapskate train conductor funny tweets funny
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